Fugaz y eterno.

El sonido del teléfono irrumpe en su pesadilla y la ahuyenta. Otra noche que lucha por destrozar su mandíbula. Sigue sus notas pero no lo encuentra. Da igual, será propaganda. Vuelve a la cama. Que mono está durmiendo. Y entonces, mientras se acerca, su cuerpo siente como aún tiene todas sus caricias grabadas en la piel. Pequeñas cosquillas la rodean. Se estira a su lado y él la abraza aún dormido. Con lo pequeña que es la cama y les sobra la mitad. Vuelve a despegar, destino al mundo de los sueños.

Las doce. Ella, con destino al infierno. Montada en ese cacharro que los lunes odia y los viernes ama. Dos raíles que le alejan de él. Lágrimas. Maletas llenas de ropa. Vacaciones en un bolsillo junto al billete de sólo ida, gastados y a punto de ser enterrados en un cajón. El sol sonríe. Ella no.

¿Dónde se han ido los paseos de invierno con la mano en su bolsillo? Sabe que sus sombras aún permanecen en esos portales, los que un día llenó de lágrimas y otros de amor. Mil rincones que fueron tan suyos y de nadie más por unos instantes. Y es que a su lado parecía todo tan fácil... si le envolvía la oscuridad él le mostraba el camino. Sus palabras acariciaban cada latido.

Cierra los ojos. Los vuelve a abrir, y no reaparece. Cuantas veces esperó que, como una ave Fénix, el amor resurgiera de esas cenizas. Y ahora solamente quedaba una chispita que de vez en cuando le hacía pequeñas quemaduras en el corazón. A veces se preguntaba como no se cansaba de latir. Tantos años repitiendo el mismo movimiento, lleno de cicatrices y arañazos.

Aparece un ángel. No lo esperaba especialmente, pero le roza poco a poco con su ala cada pequeña herida y parece que todo es un poco más fácil. Ya no cuesta tanto respirar. Ya no teme tropezarse. Él cree en ella. Le da todo lo que necesita para aguantar toda la eternidad. Y lo más importante de todo, tiene esperanzas de alcanzarla.

Y cuando te olvido apareces. Oigo noticias tuyas a menudo. Te busco a veces sin querer. Te encuentro en sueños para volver a perderte y perderte y perderte. Miro al calendario pero nunca va hacia atrás. Amor. Fugaz y eterno.

Visitas del blog

That's amazing! Thank you for all your views.

Gracias por todas vuestras visitas. ¡Es sorprendente!

Siempre

Esta pesadilla no terminará nunca. Ha recaído tantas veces que tiene asumida su eterna derrota enfrente a él. El destino quiso que se encontraran aun siendo polos opuestos y se las arregló para unirles con hilo y aguja.
Ella decía que una vez has subido a la cima es difícil conformarte con llegar a media montaña. Que una vez has amado con locura hasta el final no puedes volver a hacerlo nunca más. Aprendió porqué la gente no suele enamorarse hasta el muelle de los huesos como en las películas, sino que se quedan a medio camino. Y es que duele demasiado. Si lo das todo por alguien, te quedas con nada más que él. El amor es como una partida de póker donde apuestas todas tus fichas antes de ver las cartas. Nadie te puede asegurar que funcione y arriesgas, y si arriesgas puedes fallar. Una vida en la cuerda floja donde si él te suelta, caes empicado al más profundo abismo.
Olvidar. Menudo verbo más absurdo. ¿Qué olvidamos? Las llaves de casa, la cartera, el pan, un aniversario o un número de teléfono. Pero no a alguien que ha grabado nuestro corazón. Por eso ella sabía que su pesadilla seguiría estallando en su pecho cuando menos se lo espere. Él se había instalado tan bien allí que ni un huracán podría sacarlo.
El tiempo. Los segundos que pasan y nada cambía en su interior. No le puede curar nada ya, ni tan sólo los días. Por eso bebe y ahoga sus lamentos en los basos que vacía. Cuando la realidad se desvanece es el único momento que puede vivir en un sueño, y sólo allí puede desacerse de su presencia de vez en cuando.

Never too late...

El pequeño, con una lagrima resbalandole por la mejilla, se levanta del suelo. ¿Quién dejó ese camión de juguete ahí enmedio? Busca a su madre, quien siempre ha estado a su lado para ayudarle a levantarse y enseñarle que el mundo no es tan cruel como parece. Y la encuentra encerrada en la habitación con su padre, gritando, como siempre. La reacción normal de cualquier otro niño habría sido empezar a llorar aún más fuerte para que ellos le prestaran atención, pero no. Él se estira encima del sofá y se tapa las oídos muy muy fuerte. Se imagina un mundo distinto, donde sus padres fueran felices y no tubieran que llorar nunca. Un mundo sin gritos, lleno de amor y chucherías. El que parecían vivir los otros niños del colegio.
Mamá no era tan feliz como las otras madres. ¿Era culpa suya? O, a lo mejor, no le quería... Ella le decía lo contrario. Cada noche al arroparle le decía que todo iría bien.
En cambio, su padre parecía distante continuamente. Estaba con él a ratos, pero no le escuchaba. Solamente asintía con la cabeza. No había oído nunca un te quiero de sus labios, y por este motivo él había parado de decirselo. Esto había provocado muchas discusiones con mamá, porque él decía que ella le comía la cabeza al pequeño diciendo que se irían los dos de allí cuando pudieran.
Sí, era pequeño, pero mucho más maduro que muchos de los niños grandes de la escuela. A veces pensaba como un adulto. Se preguntaba si ellos siempre habían sido infelices. ¿Cuánto tiempo llevaban llorando? Se lo preguntó a su tía y dijo que siempre había sido así, pero que él siempre podía irse con ella si lo necesitaba.
En el colegio veía como su madre cuidaba a todos los niños y le saludaba siempre cuando hacía cosas graciosas. Que guapa era... Tenía claro que de grande quería casarse con una chica tan guapa como ella. Y estarían siempre sonriendo, y mamá les haría la comida.

Mamá acababa de llegar a casa. Dijo que había ido al medico y me enseñó unas fotos muy raras. Decía que era mi nueva hermanita, y que vendría al cabo de unos meses. Que pensara un nombre para ella. Yo le decía que quería que se llamara como ella, y sino Cookie como nuestro perro, pero no le gustó. Se estaba poniendo gorda, pero era igual de guapa. A partir de entonces pasabamos mucho rato estirados en el sofá pensando qué haríamos cuando ella estubiera aquí, y nos reíamos mucho. Me hizo prometer que no se lo diría a papá, que sería nuestro secreto. Le seguí preguntando cuando volvería papá, pero me contestó que hasta dentro de mucho tiempo. Pero que si tenía ganas de verlo podía hacerlo cuando quisiera.
Esa tarde me vino a buscar y fuimos al cine. Me hizo muchas preguntas sobre como estabamos y otras cosas muy raras que no entendía. Quería volver a casa pero él no me dejaba. Mamá me estaba esperando en casa y estaba mala. Mi hermanita debía estar dando muchas patadas y quería estar a su lado. Además, quería que le abrazara y le repitiera que todo iría bien.
Mamá, volvamos a empezar, pero esta vez seamos felices. Por favor, no quiero llorar más ni quiero que tu lo hagas. Papá nunca lo entenderá...

Give me back the key to my universe

As I did long time ago... here's the song, play it while you read the text. http://youtu.be/vcWTTs8QVRc

You can see me free falling through the wind while you are nearly finding the way to scape from everything. I'm becoming blind because of the smoke, don't even know what has been set on fire inside of me.
This chain around my neck is starting to burn. And I can't, I can't take it away. Once I promised I wouldn't do it and now it's strangling me. I'm afraid that, if I do, you'll leave with it, and I don't want you to leave me.
This is just a step we had to do, a little bit late but still on time. We were getting hurt time after time, and love doesn't hurt that much. There was something else that we couldn't see. It's moving away now although it has left the scars, the memories and a bit of jealousy. I have the feeling that they'll stay here for a long time.
What's left to do? Pray to God that we'll find our way some day. "It's not easy, it's not easy" they say "but you have to keep holding on". But where is the one who'll hug me when I need it, who'll tell me I love you before going to sleep. Who'll spend his time with me and will dry my tears and draw me a smile.
Everybody hurts, everybody falls. Sometimes the sun's shinning when you're hidding under the blankets, and you don't notice the clouds moving outside showing you how the world is still alive although the difficult obstacles it has come across.
I've tried to keep all together the afternoon's pecks and cuddles while lying on the sofa in a small box in the corner of my heart, but I couldn't close it, so I left a little bit of you hanging around until you decide to take them back. I'm trying hard to heal my heart. There are too many feelings I have to erase.
You can't live in the clouds forever. And as I said one day, heaven's out of reach and it's raining in paradise. Don't search for perfection 'cause it doesn't exist in real life. Maybe in Descartes innate ideas, not here. Life's hard, and it's fucking your plans all the time. That's why we have hope. To make it easier to chew the problems. 'Cause it's not always possible to think that everything's gonna be alright. Avril said that maybe tomorrow, tomorrow is a different day... And it will be, I don't know which one.
Butterflies in the stomach, unexpected smiles and love hugs wanted. They've been stolen or they've escaped home alone. However, I'm afraid I won't be able to give a big reward. Any help? I buy happiness potions, endless smile make-up, everything that makes me shine again.
I know I won't get out of life alive, but it seems so long for this little girl who wants to spend it grinning. So long now that you are still floating around and following me everywhere. So long for walking its way full of mountains alone.

Farewell

Well, I don't have time to write a long story like I used to do, because we have lots of exams and work to do; the end of the course comes. Now all the teachers ask us for homework and other kinds of work because we need to finish our units for the final exams, but they don't care about if we have or not time to do everything. And it's all so stressing... So I had to look for some old compositions I had in my computer and get them together so they had sense. I suppose this is the end of the blog... Or I'll maybe just write on it if I have time or I feel inspirated. If not... I hope you enjoyed reading it, and also that your heart felt a little bit nostalgic. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for your time! Good luck to everyone.

Forget, forgot, forgotten

I don’t understand why every time I see a picture of you, my heart stops and you take my breath away. Each time. I’m not supposed to feel this way about you anymore, I’m not. It’s been two months since you left me but it seems you still have a part of my heart. I don’t know if you even think about me every once in a while or feel something whenever you see my face. Part of me hopes you do, which is bad. I still have hope and I have been unaware of that or simply been trying hard to avoid that fact.
I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that I would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that at the same time we're not. That we're not the same people. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.
But that's all we can do, grew stronger and forget about when once upon a time we argued, made up, joked around, had serious conversations, kissed and cuddled, went for late night drives, knew everything about each other... and it all ended. I must forget now...

Take a bite of my heart

Alice opens the window to help the memories to scape. It's been one week since he left home, but his smell is still floating around, and she wants it to disappear. She's tired of fighting and hoping it will all be fine again someday. She can't be permanently waiting, so she's decided to give up and throw her life away to become another brand new Alice, a girl ready to enjoy life how it's pretended to be. She has never been very strong, but she will try it. At least she can't loose much more.

It's 9 o'clock in the morning and John hasn't already fallen asleep. He misses her so much although he hasn't said a word to her about it. "What would she be doing now? Sleeping? Is she wondering if I'll ever come back?" If it wasn't so hard he'd be next to her rather than being there, on that cold bench while the love season passes by. But he's so proud and he wants her to learn about her mistakes.

"What a fucking day that I've chosen to start a life..." says Alice. Truthly, it's starting to rain and the whole sky is grey. "This can't work". And all the memories come in again with the wind and punch her right in the heart. She would never forget him. Hardly all the life she can remember is next to him. She finally decides to walk down stairs and have a cup of tea, she had discovered it two weeks ago at her mother's house and took some home. And she also picks a piece of dark chocolate, the one he likes the most.

John finally takes a decision. If he doesn't make anything she will run away so far that he will never be able to get her back. So he starts to run the streets they used to walk together and picks a rose from a garden. He knows that she's always wanted one, but he was too shy to do it).

She listens the door's bell and jumps. Who would it be? Before opening the door, she first looks at the mirror and erases the tears. She hardly has a heart atack when he appears from the other side of the door, panting. What has he been doing? Suddenly he starts to talk.

"Alice, first of all, I want you to know that you've hurt me. But I don't want you to suffer more, I've come to tell you another thing. I'm sorry if I've waited so long, I was so scared. I didn't know what to do, you broke my heart but you've also made my life wonderful. The thing is... I love you, and I can't live without you. I've never been able to tell you something like that although you've always asked it, and now I'm trying the best I can. Alice, I fell in love with you since the first time I saw you, and I knew you were the one for me. I waited for you until you were prepared, and then it seemed that you were going away again. I couldn't stand it, I was losing my treasure. I haven't slept today thinking of what I'm saying. Do you know what is it to wake up a sad morning, open the window and feel that the one you love is blowing away? Well, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry of what we've done, and that I don't want that our story ends... So I've come running to you to give you this... ". He gives her the rose. It has lost some petals but it's still beautiful and red. "Please, don't cry... and I also wanted to give you..." He kneels down and puts her hand into his pocket. "To give you this, Alice. Do you want to marry me?"

Alice can't believe what's happening. "It has to be a dream. It can't be real" thinks. She has become quiet and shocked and doesn't know what to do or say. Finally she allows the instinct to guide her, she's been thinking enough those days. She starts to cry and hugs him strongly. "Of course I want, I've always wanted. I'm sorry of what has happened. I miss you so much, I can't live without you."



Nobody knows if they did what they should have done, but since that day they had learn something about life and had grown up enough to don't fight again for a silly nonsense. They got a wonderful wedding, everything went perfect. They had two sons. They bought a dog. They didn't had much money, but all they needed. Love.

Birthday letter to him

It's been so long since the last time I wrote here, but today is worth more than passing the day by your side. And well, I've been thinking a hundred ways to tell you I love you and all you mean for me and I haven't find it out yet, but I'm still trying.

I'd like that this day was special to you, on of those days that makes history, that you unconsciously keep saved in a corner of your brain and heart. It's passed 6208 days from today since that fantastic Monday 20th of December of 1993, the day when a helicopter crashed into Cadí trying to save a hiker, when Microsoft Office was presented as the solution for the companies, when a boom that didn't explote durint the 2nd World War menaced Panama, the day when the law agains piracy takes effect, when Barça son Celta 1-0 and Aladin was launched at the cinemas in Catalonia. And indeed it happened lots of things appart of the ones that appear in the newspapers, but the most important one it was that you saw the world for the first time. And this until today would be... 7*5x⅛√355+12x/7 hmmm... 84 years? Uh, lucky you that you aren't my pet and you have much to live :).

Happy birthday my darling. I hope that these 17 years have been perfect, at least I've tried so.
There are still many things to live together, lot of things to do and celebrate, but every day is one of them. You are the only reason to keep holding on, and the best I can ask. You make me feel what I can't feel for anyone else. Those kind of love that makes your heart shiver when you talk and smile. That gives you full. That brings you to the tallest building of the city and then drops you. It catches you. It despairs you but it fills you. Love that touches and feels. That is light and heavy at the same time. It flies, cries, sings and laughs. It warmths and shades. It's romantic and appasionated, full of life. Love that disappoint. That needs more love. Love that paints your life full of colours. True love...

And time passes by, and you grow up slowly. You change without realizing and with you also changes the world. Now it's cold again, but it always is when you aren't here.. And the nights are so long... but you illuminate them, mixed with the colored lights. You've always been a star that shines and takes care of me even if I don't see you. You've always had saved your part in my heart until you took it all. I had always looked for that piece that I needed and I finally found you. And for this and a lot of things more you are now an indispensable part to me because, without you, I'm not me, I'm nothing at all.

Do you know what I want for Christmas? The same that every year, what I ask every time that a shooting star passes by, when I blow the candles... but I won't tell you what it is because if so it won't be fulfilled :) I'll just say that it is not bought, I don't want that it ends, it's precious, it can be touched (eaten, licked...) caressed, hugged and pampered, loved more than nothing else in the world. And some more verbs that it's not necessary to write them down.

Thank you for everything we've lived together, cookie... you're all that I want. I love you until the end.



Your little Nana forever ♥

Summer, game over

The first rays of sun filtered through the blind. While the world was dawning slowly, she was still trying to get asleep. The clock needles were pointing half past six. Summer had finished before it began.
Emily had passed all of it working and for the first time she couldn't go on holiday. In her house they weren't able to travel abroad, and this made her feel even more pissed than going back to school. Well, this and the fact of thinking that while everybody had filled their heart of beautiful and unforgetable memories with their friends, she had sent her hollidays to the "Earring to improve" box. Another time.
She gave a couple of spins between the sheets (or three, or four, or a thousand) and finally she woke up pushing the sun and with a tear sliding to the endless days of no-holidays that she had ahead.